Michelle Obama’s The Light We Carry: Book summary
“I believe that each of us carries a bit of inner brightness, something entirely unique and individual, a flame that’s worth protecting.”- Michelle Obama
Written in 2022 by Michelle Obama (US former first lady, 2008–2016), this memoir centers on how Michelle found and still finds balance in her life during challenging times.
She shares her experiences in tackling fear, in being kind, getting seen, friendship, parenting and others, while guiding her readers to incorporate her methods into their lives.
Below are the 10 chapters from the book and their main takeaways from each:
1. The Power of Small
· Achieving big goals is a result of focusing in small almost insignificant activities
· Hobbies which involve both the mind and the body e.g. knitting, baking, making jewelry; improve your focus and lower anxiety
“Often times we are faced with big challenges and we concentrate on the outside world forgetting we should take care of ourselves”
2. Decoding Fear
· Many times fear doesn’t mean danger but simply intrusion of something new or intimidating.
· It’s worth getting to know your fearful mind because it’s never going to leave you. Accept it because you can’t evict it.
· Getting solid information on a matter is a means of unbundling a threat.
· Facing your fears will make you competent. You have to practice past those fears. The more you practice, the better you get at it.
“I think it’s always worth asking yourself: Am I afraid because I’m in actual danger, or is it simply because I’m staring newness in the face?”
3. Starting Kind
· We punish ourselves with what’s wrong before ever having the chance to even glimpse what’s right.
· When someone is happy to see us, we get a little steadier on our feet. We have an easier time locking into our poise. And we carry that feeling forward
· Real growth begins with how gladly you’re able to see yourself.
· Practice gratitude
“When we are given a kind start, when another person greets us with unfettered gladness or trusts our ability to succeed, it can have a lasting, lifting sort of effect”
4. Am I seen?
· Nearly everyone on earth experiences this sort of feeling at some point — that prickling awareness that you’re somehow not suited to your environment, that you’re being viewed as a trespasser
· We adjust, hide, and compensate in order to manage our differentness in relation to the spaces we find ourselves in, but still never feeling fully like ourselves
· How you view yourself is the foundation of changing the world around you
“Whatever the signals in those spaces were — whether people saw me as different, or unentitled to be there, or problematic in some way, even if what I was sensing was unconscious or unintended — I didn’t need to let those signals in. I had a choice about it. I could let my own life, my own actions, represent my truth. I could keep showing up and keep doing the work”
5. My Kitchen Table
· You will get further in life when you’ve got at least a couple of solid friends around you, when you’re reliably and demonstratively invested in them, and they in you
· Friendship helps to take pressure off the marriage because it’s hard to be each other’s everything
· If you have strong social ties, research shows that you are likely to live longer and with less stress
· The size of your group of friends doesn’t matter, what matters is the quality of your relationships.
“Life has shown me that strong friendships are most often the result of strong intentions. Your table needs to be deliberately built, deliberately populated, and deliberately tended to.”
6. Partnering Well
· Before partnering with someone you have to be able stand on your own, as a whole person.
· The only way you can end up with a right partner is through trial and error; ending relationships that aren’t working and starting new ones that seem promising.
· Contrary to popular beliefs, long-term partnership is rarely glamorous or smooth
· The key in dating is to be real. The real always shows up and it will find you, one way or another
“I wanted a mate who was led by his own values, independent of my love. I wanted someone who was honest because he valued honesty, faithful because he valued faithfulness”
7. Meet My Mom
· It’s hard not to look around as a mother and think, Is everyone doing this perfectly but me?
· The world will forever seem infinitely more sinister and dangerous when you have a child, even a grown one, walking around in it.
· My mom says that you should grant kids your trust rather than making them earn it.
· I’m pretty sure that most of my mom’s decision-making was guided by one basic question: What’s the minimum I can do for them right now?
· “It’s easier for kids to make mistakes when they’re little,” my mom told me recently when I asked her about this. “Let them make them. And then you can’t make too big a deal out of it, either. Because if you do, they’ll stop trying.”
· Our parents saw us each as different and treated us that way.
· As much as they love you, your children come with agendas of their own. They are individuals and will learn lessons their own way, regardless of how carefully you may have planned them.
· My mom made no bones about the fact that especially when it came to day-to-day practical tasks, her plan was to become as unnecessary in our lives as possible, as quickly as possible.
8. The Whole of Us
· Our differences are treasures and they’re also tools. They are useful, valid, worthy, and important to share
· When we share our stories with fullness and honesty, we often discover that we’re less alone and more connected than we might ever have believed
· In keeping our vulnerabilities private, we never get the chance to know who else is out there, who else might understand or even be helped by whatever it is we’re holding back
· Be trustworthy and tender with your acquaintances and their stories. Keep confidences, resist gossip.
“Read books by people whose perspective is different from yours, listen to voices you haven’t heard before, look for narratives that are new to you. In them and with them, you might end up finding more room for yourself.”
9. The Armor We Wear
· At some point, however, life will inevitably complicate any dream, whether it’s breaking into a certain professional field, performing on a big stage, or making meaningful social change.
· If you want to break barriers and knock down walls, I’ve found, you’ll need to find and protect your own boundaries, watching over your time, your energy, your health, and your spirit as you go.
“For me, preparedness is part of the armor I wear. I plan, rehearse, and do my homework ahead of anything that feels even remotely like a test. This helps me to operate with more calm under stressful circumstances, knowing I will most often, regardless of what happens, find some pathway through.”
10. Going High
· Take a pause before you react. It is a form of self-control, a line laid between your best and worst impulses.
· Always ask yourself this question; ‘Am I reacting or am I responding?’
· The process of writing can be an incredibly helpful tool when it comes to going high. It’s a means through which you are able to move through your emotions, filtering them into useful form
· Learn what to do with your rage and your hurt, where to put it, how to convert it into actual power. Understand that picking a destination will take some time to get there.
“Stay vigorous and faithful, humble and empathetic. Tell the truth, do your best by others, keep perspective, understand history and context. Stay prudent, stay tough, and stay outraged.”
