100 controversial quotes from the book ‘The Courage to be Disliked’
Adlerian psychology and the pursuit of happiness
“In Adlerian psychology, there are aspects that are antithetical to normal social thinking. It denies etiology, denies trauma, and adopts teleology. It treats people’s problems as interpersonal relationship problems. And the not-seeking of recognition and the separation of tasks, too, are probably antithetical to normal social thinking”
Authored by Ichiro Kishimi and his student Fumitake Koga, “The Courage to Be Disliked” explores Adlerian philosophical and psychological concepts through a narrative dialogue between a philosopher and a young man.
The Adlerian approach is holistic, emphasizing the importance of overcoming feelings of inferiority and fostering a sense of belonging as key elements for achieving success and happiness. It highlights the significance of social connections and community involvement in personal growth.
Below are 100 selected quotes from the book:
1. If we focus only on past causes and try to explain things solely through cause and effect, we end up with “determinism.” Because what this says is that our present and our future have already been decided by past occurrences and are unalterable.
2. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences — the so-called trauma — but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.
3. In order to fulfill the goal of shouting, you created the emotion of anger.
4. Everyone has emotions. That goes without saying. But if you are going to tell me that people are beings who can’t resist emotion, I’d argue against that.
5. Regardless of what may have happened in the past, it is the meaning that is attributed to it that determines the way someone’s present will be.
6. The question isn’t “What happened?” but “How was it resolved?”
7. Right now, you are unable to feel really happy. This is because you have not learned to love yourself. And to try to love yourself, you are wishing to be reborn as a different person. You’re hoping to become like Y and throw away who you are now.
8. Does fixating on what you are born with change the reality? We are not replaceable machines. It is not replacement we need but renewal.
9. People can change at any time, regardless of the environments they are in. You are unable to change only because you are making the decision not to.
10. Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage.
11. No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.
12. When you enter into interpersonal relationships, it is inevitable that to a greater or lesser extent you will get hurt, and you will hurt someone, too.
13. To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone. But one can’t do such a thing.
14. Being alone isn’t what makes you feel lonely. Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them.
15. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
16. So-called internal worry does not exist. Whatever the worry that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present.
17. There is nothing particularly wrong with the feeling of inferiority itself. The inferiority complex, on the other hand, refers to a condition of having begun to use one’s feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse. So one thinks to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, or I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get married.
18. Behaviors like misrepresenting one’s work experience or excessive allegiance to particular brands of clothing are forms of giving authority, and probably also have aspects of the superiority complex.
19. I don’t know much about fashion, but I think it’s advisable to think of people who wear rings with rubies and emeralds on all their fingers as having issues with feelings of inferiority, rather than issues of aesthetic sensibility.
20. If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn’t feel the need to boast. It’s because one’s feeling of inferiority is strong that one boasts.
21. A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.
22. The reason so many people don’t really feel happy while they’re building up their success in the eyes of society is that they are living in competition.
23. The person who always has the will to help another in times of need — that is someone who may properly be called your comrade.
24. If someone were to abuse me to my face, I would think about the person’s hidden goal. Even if you are not directly abusive, when you feel genuinely angry due to another person’s words or behavior, please consider that the person is challenging you to a power struggle.
25. When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible. Do not answer his action with a reaction.
26. If you think you are right, regardless of what other people’s opinions might be, the matter should be closed then and there. However, many people will rush into a power struggle and try to make others submit to them.
27. Work that can be completed without the cooperation of other people is in principle unfeasible.
28. A lot of people think that the more friends you have the better, but I’m not so sure about that. There’s no value at all in the number of friends or acquaintances you have
29. Adlerian psychology is a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others. Instead of waiting for others to change or waiting for the situation to change, you take the first step forward yourself.
30. Adler does not accept restricting one’s partner. If the person seems to be happy, one can frankly celebrate that condition. That is love. Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart.
31. When one can think, whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love. Restriction, on the other hand, is a manifestation of the mind-set of attempting to control one’s partner, and also an idea founded on a sense of distrust.
32. As Adler says, “If two people want to live together on good terms, they must treat each other as equal personalities.”
33. You must not run away. No matter how distressful the relationship, you must not avoid or put off dealing with it. Even if in the end you’re going to cut it with scissors, first you have to face it.
34. In relationships between lovers or married couples, there are times when, after a certain point, one becomes exasperated with everything one’s partner says or does.
35. Look, people are extremely selfish creatures who are capable of finding any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them. A man of perfect character could come along, and one would have no difficulty in digging up some reason to dislike him.
36. Certainly, if one were to speak in a very general sense of the true nature of that which is brought about by money, one might say that is freedom. But you wouldn’t go so far as to say that “freedom therefore is money,” would you?
37. Being recognized by others is certainly something to be happy about. But it would be wrong to say that being recognized is absolutely necessary.
38. You already have the goal of wanting to be praised when you start picking up litter. And if you aren’t praised by anyone, you’ll either be indignant or decide that you’ll never do such a thing again.
39. You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations. If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?
40. Studying is the child’s task. A parent’s handling of that by commanding the child to study is, in effect, an act of intruding on another person’s task. We need to think with the perspective of “Whose task is this?” and continually separate one’s own tasks from other people’s tasks.
41. In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, “Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made?”
42. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Forcing change while ignoring the person’s intentions will only lead to an intense reaction.
43. You are the only one who can change yourself.
44. Suppose your partner did not act as you had wished. Would you still be able to believe in that person? Would you still be able to love that person?
45. All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you believe in.
46. What other people think of me, or what sort of judgment they pass on me, is the task of other people, and is not something I can do anything about.
47. Destiny is not something brought about by legend, but by clearing away with one’s own sword.
48. When reading a book, if one brings one’s face too close to it, one cannot see anything. In the same way, forming good interpersonal relationships requires a certain degree of distance.
49. One should be ready to lend a hand when needed but not encroach on the person’s territory.
50. When reward is at the base of an interpersonal relationship, there’s a feeling that wells up in one that says, “I gave this much, so you should give me that much back.” We must not seek reward, and we must not be tied to it.
51. Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.
52. What should one do to not be disliked by anyone? There is only one answer: It is to constantly gauge other people’s feelings while swearing loyalty to all of them.
53. Parents force their children to study; they meddle in their life and marriage choices. That is nothing other than an egocentric way of thinking. There is no reason of any sort that one should not live one’s life as one pleases.
54. The desire for recognition is probably a natural desire. So are you going to keep rolling downhill in order to receive recognition from others? Are you going to wear yourself down like a rolling stone, until everything is smoothed away? When all that is left is a little round ball, would that be “the real I”?
55. Freedom is being disliked by other people. It’s that you are disliked by someone, it is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.
56. Many people think that the interpersonal relationship cards are held by the other person. That is why they wonder, “How does that person feel about me?” and end up living in such a way as to satisfy the wishes of other people.
57. When one separates the “I” from “emotion” and thinks, it was the emotion that made me do it, or the emotion got the best of me, and I couldn’t help it, such thinking quickly becomes a life-lie.
58. Interpersonal relations are the source of unhappiness. And the opposite can be said, too — interpersonal relations are the source of happiness.
59. People who have concern only for themselves think that they are at the center of the world. To such people, others are merely “people who will do something for me,” They end up losing their comrades before long.
60. One has to stand on one’s own two feet, and take one’s own steps forward with the tasks of interpersonal relations. One needs to think not, “What will this person give me?” but rather, “What can I give to this person?” That is commitment to the community.
61. A sense of belonging is something that one acquires through one’s own efforts — it is not something one is endowed with at birth.
62. Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There will always be more “you and I,” and more “everyone,” and larger communities that exist.
63. In Adlerian psychology, we take the stance that in child-rearing, and in all other forms of communication with other people, one must not praise. One must not praise, and one must not rebuke.
64. When one person praises another, the goal is “to manipulate someone who has less ability than you.” It is not done out of gratitude or respect. The more one is praised by another person, the more one forms the belief that one has no ability.
65. Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as “good.” And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person’s yardstick.
66. A company employee and a full-time housewife simply have different workplaces and roles, and are truly “equal but not the same.”
67. When receiving praise becomes one’s goal, one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another person’s system of values. Looking at your life until now, aren’t you tired of trying to live up to your parents’ expectations?
68. The most important thing is to not judge other people. “Judgment” is a word that comes out of vertical relationships. If one is building horizontal relationships, there will be words of more straightforward gratitude, respect and joy.
69. “Thank you,” on the other hand, rather than being judgment, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.
70. Well, what does a person have to do to get courage? In Adler’s view, “It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.”
71. It is when one is able to feel “I am beneficial to the community” that one can have a true sense of one’s worth.
72. The parents could refrain from comparing their child to anyone else, see him for who he actually is, and be glad and grateful for his being there
73. I am not telling you to make friends with everyone, or behave as if you are close friends. Rather, what is important is to be equal in consciousness, and to assert that which needs to be asserted.
74. Age does not matter in love and friendship.
75. There is no need to go out of one’s way to be positive and affirm oneself. It’s not self-affirmation that we are concerned with, but self-acceptance.
76. Self-affirmation is making suggestions to oneself, such as “I can do it” or “I am strong,” even when something is simply beyond one’s ability. It is a notion that can bring about a superiority complex.
77. Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept “this me” just as it is. And have the courage to change what one can change. That is self-acceptance.
78. The basis of interpersonal relations is founded not on trust but on confidence. It is doing without any set conditions whatsoever when believing in others.
79. If one believes in others without setting any conditions whatsoever, there will be times when one gets taken advantage of. The attitude of continuing to believe in someone even in such instances is what we call confidence.
80. Suppose you have placed “doubt” at the foundation of your interpersonal relations. That you live your life doubting other people — doubting your friends and even your family and those you love. What sort of relationship could possibly arise from that? The other person will detect the doubt in your eyes in an instant
81. Suppose that you are in a love relationship, but you are having doubts about your partner, and you think to yourself, I’ll bet she’s cheating on me. And you start making desperate efforts in search of evidence to prove that. What do you think would happen as a result? In every instance, you would find an abundance of evidence that she has been cheating on you.
82. If you are afraid to have confidence in others, in the long run you will not be able to build deep relationships with anyone.
83. If it is a shallow relationship, when it falls apart the pain will be slight. And the joy that relationship brings each day will also be slight.
84. When one is sad, one should be sad to one’s heart’s content. It is precisely when one tries to escape the pain and sadness that one gets stuck and ceases to be able to build deep relationships with anyone.
85. Understanding a human being is no easy matter. Of all the forms of psychology, individual psychology is probably the most difficult to learn and put into practice.
86. People with neurotic lifestyles tend to sprinkle their speech with such words as “everyone” and “always” and “everything.” “Everyone hates me,” they will say, or “It’s always me who takes a loss,” or “Everything is wrong.”
87. With workaholics, the focus is solely on one specific aspect of life. They probably try to justify that by saying, “It’s busy at work, so I don’t have enough time to think about my family.” But this is a life-lie….Adler does not recognize ways of living in which certain aspects are unusually dominant.
88. “Work” does not mean having a job at a company. Work in the home, child-rearing, contributing to the local society, hobbies, and all manner of other things are work. A way of living that acknowledges only company work is one that is lacking in harmony of life
89. When one gets older and reaches retirement age, for example, one may have no choice but to live off one’s pension or support from one’s children. Even when one is young, injury or poor health can lead to being unable work any longer. On such occasions, those who can accept themselves only on the level of acts are severely damaged.
90. In a word, happiness is the feeling of contribution. Whether it is on the level of acts or on the level of being, one needs to feel that one is of use to someone.
91. Why is it necessary to be special? Probably because one cannot accept one’s normal self. But is being normal, being ordinary, really such a bad thing? Is it something inferior?
92. Think of life as a series of dots. Life is a series of moments. It is a series of moments called “now.”
93. A well-planned life is not something to be treated as necessary or unnecessary, as it is impossible.
94. Suppose you are going on a journey to Egypt. Would you try to arrive at the Great Pyramid of Giza as efficiently and quickly as possible, and then head straight back home by the shortest route? One would not call that a “journey.”
95. We should live more earnestly only here and now. The fact that you think you can see the past, or predict the future, is proof that rather than living earnestly here and now, you are living in a dim twilight.
96. For example, one wants to get into a university but makes no attempt to study. This an attitude of not living earnestly here and now. It is enough to do it little by little — every day one can work out some mathematical formulas, one can memorize some words. In short, one can dance the dance.
97. No matter what moments you are living, or if there are people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of “I contribute to others,” you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like.
98. As long as we postpone life, we can never go anywhere and our days will pass only one after the next in dull monotony, because we think of here and now as just a preparatory period, as a time for patience.
99. So life in general has no meaning whatsoever. But you can assign meaning to that life. And you are the only one who can assign meaning to your life.
100. Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: You should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not.
